WELCOME to 2017, where folks aren't just losing their keys, but things in their bum - and our hard-earned tax payer dollars are funding their removal.
A Sydney-based surgeon has revealed to myBody+Soul the strangest things he's witnessed in the operating theatre - and we couldn't believe it, until we saw the pictures.
"I had one patient recently who had a 1.25L Coca Cola bottle inside him. He'd emptied out the coke, filled it with warm water and wrapped a condom around the nozzle," says the doctor.
"There was another guy who came in with not one but two red apples up there."
It's enough to turn you off your Royal Gala.
You see, as the surgeon explains, your rectum can create a vacuuming effect, essentially sucking and holding things up there - which is what had happened to the 20cm butt plug that another patient recently got stuck. Then there was the flashlight. Yes, seriously.
Despite the "I accidently sat on it" stories the nurses hear in the ER, as this doctor explains, biologically, these are premeditated acts that would require, er, some training.
"If someone did that without building up to it, you'd end up with a punctured bowel and incontinence for life."
Which begs the question, why? Just why? (we don't have the answer but reckon sex fetishes must top the list of reasons).
It's car-crash stuff, so we went hunting for more horror stories - and this is what we found.
A 23-year-old may have been trying to make his farts less stinky when he inserted the aerosol can up his anus. The man arrived at Riyadh Care Hospital in Saudi Arabia complaining of lower abdominal pain, and the mystery was solved by a simple x-ray, reports The Internet Journal of Surgery.
A farmer had to tell doctors at the University of Mississippi Medical Centre that he had a bottle stuck up his nether-region. And how did it get up there? The 72-year-old used a nearby dumping ground to defecate. But when his wooden limb snapped, he fell back 'heavily' onto the glass bottle, according to the journal Annals of Surgery.
The 19cm long vegetable was stuffed inside, adjacent to the gallbladder. The patient was also suffering with a 4cm collection of fluid and gas, according to a case study in Radiopaedia.
This gives a whole new meaning to bum dialling. A Georgia lawyer was apparently showering with his phone (as you do) when he slipped and fell right on top on his ringing mobile, reports Daily Cognition.
Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.